Lessons Learned from My First Real Mother's Day
Holidays like today can be pretty tricky to navigate for blended families. I’ve been part of this one for three years now, which means three Mother’s days have come and gone. Yet, in the eyes of many, it wasn’t until this year, with the birth of my own biological daughter, that I became a real mom and therefore worthy of celebrating this day. Interesting, no? While I can agree that this holiday has an even deeper/different meaning for me now than it did before, I’m still a bit baffled by the notion that I wasn’t a real mom until my own little peanut came along. It really got me thinking about what it means to be a real mom.
By definition, real means “to be actually existing, in fact, not imagined or supposed.” Well, by that definition alone, I’m real. What about a “mother” then— have I been one of those all this time as well? A simple Google search will tell you that a mother is “a woman in relation with a child or children.” Notice this definition doesn’t say “give birth to.” In fact, if you look online, to mother is a verb and this very definition of giving birth is noted to be outdated. Thankfully, in our society, being a mother has evolved over time—from describing a woman who’s physically given birth to now indicating a woman in which you have a relationship and motherly affection for. I, for one, am so thankful for this. So sign me up y’all—looks like I’m a real mom and have been this whole time!
Even though society acknowledges that the traditional role of “mother” is outdated and someone like me is, and always has been, a mother— why is it so dang hard sometimes to advocate for our role in the lives of the children we care for? It’s messy and seemingly Complicatec at times. So let me just go-ahead and share what I’ve learned (ahem—still learning) on this journey with some gentle reminders about celebrating all our real moms today:
1. BONUS MOMS ARE REAL MOMS WITH REAL FEELINGS
The very act of breathing makes someone a real person— it’s the relationship that identifies the mom. Put the two together and you have a real mom whether you’re a bonus (step) parent or not. Please don’t forget today, and all days that bonus mommas care for and love their bonus (step) children. They often take an active role in the lives of their partners biological children— whether they cook for them, clean up after them, shuttle them to school and/or sporting activities, help with homework and volunteer at class parties, laugh at their jokes, listen to their problems, or even tuck them into bed—they’re making an effort! I can guarantee that the effort they’re attempting is in order to build a relationship that brings them closer. It’s a fine line bonus (step) parents have to walk, and being alienated because they aren’t the real biological parents makes the journey that much more difficult.
2. BIOLOGICAL MOMS ARE REAL MOMS WITH REAL FEELINGS
It should also be noted that biological moms have real feelings as well. While being a bonus (step) parent is often a difficult journey to navigate, I can imagine being a biological parent is tricky as well. Is it easy to remember this? No, not really, especially when we disagree or have different opinions on parenting. But at the end of the day I try hard to remind myself that our boys have an amazing mom who loves and cares for them dearly (Casey and I are very blessed in that regard), and I would never compete with or want to replace the role she has with them. At the same time when the boys are in our house I am the person who fulfills those mom duties and I pray they continue to feel a motherly love in both homes— because these boys are loved, and that’s the point of it all!
3. WHILE BEING A BONUS MOM IS MESSY, WE AREN’T THE ONLY ONES WITH FEELINGS
This goes along with #2, but I do also think it’s important to remember that while the step/bonus parents often encounter these negative feelings and obstacles of self-doubt, biological parents have their fair share of struggles as well. The way we all feel as we encounter those struggles is justified and real and is neither right nor wrong. What matters most and what makes us great moms is that we continue to put the kids first despite our individual struggles/insecurities/baggage, etc. Giving or not-giving birth doesn’t make a person more or less of a mom, just a different mom.
5. MOTHER’S COME IN ALL FORMS
Please don’t forget all the mommas on this day and always. All of the mothers who have lost a child, are no longer here, adopted, fostered, gave birth, are a step-parent, are hoping to get pregnant, have struggled, are single, are estranged— You have real struggles and real feelings. You are amazing. You are real mommas. I read this on the Stepmom Magazine instagram page: “Remember that what you feel in your heart and how you conduct yourself as a woman who plays an important role int he life of a child, is far more important than what society (or Hallmark) may, or may not, recognize. WHAT YOU DO MATTERS.” Isn’t that some truth!
So to all my mommas out there who’ve ever struggled with your identity and wondering if all this is real and worth it— know that it is. I see you. You are special. Your children see you. They adore you. God sees you. He loves you. Give yourself grace and have a very blessed and happy Mother’s Day!
“A gracious woman gets honor…” – Proverbs 11:16