Enemy of the Heart

I've been thinking about this topic for some time, had talked about it on a handful of occasions with Casey, and had even gone as far as reading a handful of step parenting and second marriage blogs to wrap my head around what I was feeling.  I mean, I had an idea, but I was also being too stubborn to own up to it.  And then I attended church last weekend and what do you know, the sermon was titled "Enemies of the Heart: Disappointment" (to view the full sermon, click here).  And mere moments into Kelly's sermon I had a word for the overarching feeling I'd been faced with so much lately, disappointment. 

You know, I've never liked the word disappointment. Even when I was a little girl I didn't care for it.  I remember my sister and I joking that it was always better to make our parents "mad" than to hear they were "disappointed" in us.  No ma'am.  Not okay.  To this day the word makes me feel uneasy.  Yet there it was, sitting on my doorstep, staring me in the face, and tasting every bit like vinegar in my mouth. Disappointment. 

I should begin by saying I have a blessed life.  I have, quite literally, the best family, and the love of an amazing man that I'm also lucky enough to call my best friend. Sure, we have our moments, but overall our lives are filled with joy, happiness, and adventure.  I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am.  Truly.  I don't want this post to seem anything otherwise, but I also don't want to paint the picture that we're perfect and that we have it all together. The truth is, we don't.  Instead, we stumble through the moments at times, especially as we navigate our new roles as both a (soon-to-be) married couple and as parents. Add moving in together and becoming a step parent prior to the wedding, and you could rightfully infer that my life was falling together, but in a very out of order sort of way.  And you know what? I'd agree with you.  

This life is not what I had planned for myself (cue God laughing at my attempts to plan my own course).  But I'm sure any young girl could say she dreams of growing up, meeting a man, falling in love, getting married, buying a house, settling down,  having kids, yada yada.  I know I did.  So sometimes, in the little moments of navigating our new roles, I find myself feeling a bit disappointed that I don't have that kind of fairytale I'd imagined for myself.  And in those moments, I all too often become my own worse enemy.  Why? Well, because I get stuck in this feeling of disappointment instead of seeing and appreciating all the wonderful blessings that I do in fact have. 

Sometimes I feel sad... er, disappointed, that Casey has been able to experience all of the firsts--first wedding, first house, first time decorating, first child--with someone else.  In full transparency, and while it seems a little taboo to talk about,  I actually feel robbed that I can't experience the excitement of firsts with him.  Instead, he often knows what to expect before I get to experience it for myself.  And while I appreciate his wisdom on most matters, I still wish there was a little bit of naivety to his life.  In theses moments I have to actively remind myself that second experiences are not second-rate or second-best but rather, just simply, a second chance.  Divorce is hard, no matter the circumstance, and if someone can go through that kind of hell on Earth and still decide that you are worthy enough to take a chance on love with, then I think that's pretty special. It's easy to say and it's even easier to recognize when you step back, but sometimes (and especially in the moment) it can be very hard to remind myself of this.  It's not talked about often, but the more I've "searched" for guidance, the more I'd discovered I'm not alone in feeling disappointed.  My hope is that by sharing my hang-ups that others can feel a little less alone as well.  So here you go,  some of my not so pleasant and at times selfish disappointments and how I'm learning to more gracefully accept and appreciate what God has actually provided for me in abundance.

1. Moving in/decorating - I was really excited about moving in together, there's just something special and adventurous about joining two lives.  But at first, it was weird.  I always thought I'd be married before I ever lived with a man, but divorce changes that. Dating with kids changes that.  It's messy and just plain complicated so we definitely didn't come to the decision of moving in together very lightly.  We prayed about it often, we sought guidance from Christian counselors, and we talked to our parents.  One day everything just clicked, we knew exactly what we wanted, and had the support of our loved ones to move forward.  So we moved in together.  It wasn't long however that I began to feel my first pangs of disappointment (and consequently, heartache). The more comfortable I became in the (er... our) house the more I realized how much stuff was still present from the first marriage.  What bothered me that most was that it was "theirs" and that they got to pick it out together... right down to buying this very house.  They decorated and arranged furniture, hung up pictures and organized the kitchen... Suddenly, my warm and cozy new house started to feel cold and uncomfortable.  Again, we sought counsel and asked how to make our new (to me) home our home.  You see, it's not as easy as just remodeling and doing whatever we see fit.  At the end of the day, it's not just us.  There are two little boys to think about as well.  And this is the one house they've known since they were babies.  They have memories in this house and traditions that we wanted to honor.  I certainly didn't want to be the person to come in and turn the world they know upside down.  I have no desire to ever become the dreaded/evil step mom.  What we've discovered though is that it's okay to make changes and develop new traditions but that we should strive to make little changes over time and not blend everything together in one whirl-wind trip.  So we started with our room.  We rearranged all the furniture, picked out a new bed (for the love of all things Holy, get a new dang bed), and ordered a comforter that we both loved.  We replaced the kitchen chandelier and some pictures on the walls.  And when it comes to areas that involve the boys, we include them in the process with choices we feel are appropriate. It may not have been "my" house originally, but it's certainly the house I choose. And over time it'll feel even more like our home. 

2. Traditions - Casey and I took the Smart Stepfamilies class last spring through the Marriage Matters program at Woodcrest and I remember specifically asking this question to our mentors/leaders:  "How do we navigate traditions, especially around the holidays?"  I'll be the first to admit, big holiday's like Christmas had left me feeling disappointed the past two years.  Not because of the holiday itself, but preparing and decorating for the holiday had not been much fun for me.  While Casey and the boys ran around putting everything where it belongs, I sat back feeling like a shadow in my own home. Bits of silence were broken by "the snowman always goes here, the lights always go here, the garland always goes there, my stocking always goes here."  And when I'd try to help, while well-intended, I'd get the "that doesn't go there" response from the boys. So instead of feeding off their excitement, I'd find myself falling back into a feeling of sadness.  That feeling of my "firsts" being robbed from me yet again.  I wasn't able to create traditions in this family from the get-go.  I didn't get to pick out the decorations or help decide where they should be hung.  I didn't get to purchase the stockings for each child or their special ornaments each year for the Christmas tree.  I wasn't part of it.  And I didn't feel like it was my right to say anything about it now either.  This year though, I finally talked to Casey and expressed how bittersweet the holidays were beginning to feel.  I told him how sometimes I feel this overwhelming sense of loss and then anger with myself for feeling that way since I really do have so much to be thankful for.  I told him how I was feeling and expressed my need for being able to create some new traditions together both as a couple and as a family.  He listened and comforted me in the best way he knew how.  And you know what, because I communicated (and consequently he didn't have to read my mind),  this year we went through the decorations (on a night when we didn't have the boys) and we made a pile of old memorabilia and decorations that didn't have any emotional attachment and decided to get rid of those.  We only kept the essentials (and might I add an excessive amount of snowmen, ha).  We began to incorporate new traditions while still honoring the old.  We decorated together as a family while blaring Christmas music.  We bought a new stocking for me and hung it right next to Daddy's on the mantle.  We played games and ate cookies (too many cookies) and I felt a little more a part of the family.  We made sure to keep meaningful traditions like going to the tree lot and picking out a giant tree together, but also added a couple new ones.  This year the whole family got matching pajamas and we wore them almost every night that we were all together.  And on Christmas Eve, since the boys spend this night with their mom and stepdad each year, Casey and I created our own new tradition of listening to Christmas music, having a picnic by the fire, and opening a present before bed. It's not going to happen overnight (and it shouldn't), but over time honoring old traditions and creating new ones will get easier. 

3. Getting married - This ones tough.  And really not easy to admit to, though I've had many conversations with Casey about it.  At the end of the day, I'm not his first wife.  Which means he's done all this before.  Only this time there are two kids in the mix.  I love those boys as my own, truly, I do.  But it's been hard to figure out our roles in our wedding ceremony while also incorporating our kids.  When I was a little girl, while I hate being the center of attention on a typical day, I always imagined the moment all eyes were on me as I walked down the aisle.  The thought still gives me butterflies, but in the most wonderful way.  I imagine the exchange of vows, the first kiss, and dancing the night away at the reception.  But I can't say I'd ever actually pictured having kiddos around in any of the scenes I'd often pictured in my head.  Instead, my dreams included kiddos much longer after the honeymoon.  After my future husband and I had picked out a home together, after we decorated, and after we fell into a "routine" of the married life.  As a very traditional person, this is what I had always expected for myself.  Life is unexpected though, isn't it?  And I quickly fell in love with a man I knew had two children.  I always knew they would be part of the package, and given the chance, I'd choose this family, over and over again.  But even knowing that, I still find moments during wedding planning that I never expected having to "share."  Like the wedding party, or first dances, or "just married" pictures.  It's an uncomfortable (and selfish) feeling when I think about these things.  But I'm also learning to give myself a little grace in the matter.  It's okay that I feel this way and it's also okay for my life to be completely different than I had ever dreamed. Neither is bad or wrong, just different. And I'm learning how to navigate that.

By definition disappointment is the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by nonfulfillment of one's hopes and expectations.  And given all that I've shared, I'd say disappointment is the word that best fits the bill which is why I used it consistently through this piece.  In Kelly's sermon, she shared that disappointment is a mere feeling, and just like all feelings, it's neither right or wrong, but it's what we do with our feelings that matter.  Kelly went on to remind us that it's important to address these enemies of the heart, because they are the feelings that block us from connecting to God and to each other.  And you know what, just like everyone else, I experience enemies of the heart such as disappointment (have you noticed yet).  However, not all is lost, because in identifying these feelings I can overcome them. I process them and work through them, both with myself, and with Casey.  We talk about these feelings before I let them completely consume me and leave me feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, frustrated, and resentful.  This helps me to break free from the comparison of what might have been with what exists in the present.  It also allows me to better connect with God and to my future family.  I begin to exhibit more grace and thankfulness instead of beating myself up over the could haves and should haves.

Max Lucado writes in his book, The Cure for Disappointment, "Don't ask God to do what you want, ask God to do what is right... Disapointment is cured by revamped expectations."  And I'd have to agree.  It's not about looking at my circumstance and comparing my expectations with reality, but rather having faith in God's plan, looking to Him for guidance, and trusting Him along the way.  The Gospel reminds us, "'My thoughts are not your thoughts,' says the Lord, 'And my ways are far beyond anything you can imagine.  For just as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" (Isaiah 55:8-9).  As I learn to navigate disappointment and other enemies of the heart, I pray to continue having faith and trust in God's bigger plan for me and my new family and for guidance to be more graceful along the way.  At the end of the day, it is only through Him that I am blessed beyond measure.