You Busted What?! My Not-So-Pretty Pregnancy

Have you seen the movie, What to Expect When You’re Expecting? Y’all, I can’t even. It’s hilarious. Not long after we found out we were pregnant, it aired on TV. Me, being me, decided to tape (yes, I say “tape” instead of record) it so that Casey and I could watch it together. We finally sat down one night early on to watch it and we just died— mainly at all the scenes with Elizabeth Banks’ character, Wendy. Casey said, “that’s going to be you, I just know it.” And you know what?! He called it. Spot on. I’m the real-life Wendy.

Before I get too into describing my Wendy-like experience, I feel it’s important to stress that we are beyond thrilled with this new life. We know there are countless blessings to be praised especially amidst so many of our friends who have struggled with infertility and have experienced loss. We give thanks to God for our little miracle (it was not supposed to happen this quickly for us, but that’s a post for another time), yet at the same time, I’ve struggled— like, really struggled. This pregnancy, especially in the beginning, was hard. I wasn’t happy. In fact, there were days I felt outright angry, sad, and then back to angry all within a matter of minutes. I felt ungrateful, and then guilty for feeling so ungrateful. I cried myself to sleep many nights and felt like there was no way I could ever get through this whole pregnancy thing.

Why did I feel this way? Well— aside from the raging hormones, I was sick… constantly. The first five weeks flew by. Although I knew almost immediately I was pregnant, we weren’t telling anyone yet. We went on a float trip and had a great time. I remember feeling hot constantly, but never nauseous. I even remember thinking to myself when I experienced a tiny bit of uneasiness at the smell of some food, “this is what people complain about?! Shoot, I’ve got this!” And then on a Saturday evening on the way home from the grocery store I decided to comment aloud to Casey, “if this is as nauseous as I’m going to get, then that’s awesome.” I clearly spoke too soon, the next morning it hit the fan— or the toilet— whichever visual you prefer. Starting at week six I was miserable. I kept nothing down, not even fluids. In between patients at work, I’d run to our clinic bathroom and get sick. I kept Cheerios in my pockets and tried to nibble on those and drink small sips of water just to keep something in my system (I found that an empty stomach made it ten times worse). I tried the common tricks: ginger ale, ginger tea, peppermint tea, peppermints, ginger hard candy, unisom and B6, digize/ginger essential oils, you name it. I tried every natural remedy out there. The ginger worked for a little while, but it wasn’t long before I couldn’t stand the smell of it (even now I gag at the thought). My doctor (and my boss) recommended Unisom and B6 which worked okay for a few days and I was able to replenish some liquids, but it also made me extremely groggy and tired since I was having to take it multiple times a day to feel any relief and even then, I was still vomiting more often than not.

I began losing weight so my doctor prescribed diclegis and for whatever reason, I’m pretty sure I got worse with this. I vomited so much at this point I would lay on the bathroom floor for long periods of time just hoping for some rest. Casey stepped in at that point and called the doctor for me. I’m sure he could tell that while I wanted relief, I neither had the energy nor the will to pick up the phone myself. He quickly reported to the nurse on call that our new Rx wasn’t working and asked what he could do to help me. Bless his heart, it was not easy for him watching me struggle so much. Our next step was to start taking Zofran. The Rx was called in and filled that day. I swear, I can never thank Casey enough for helping by being my caretaker. For the first time in weeks I kept more than a few ounces of fluid down. I kept toast down. I kept a banana down. Over the next few days I began to re-introduce foods into my diet. While I was able to eat more, I definitely never completely got rid of the all day “morning” sickness. In fact, I’m now well into my last trimester and I still get sick. You read that right, the all day “morning” sickness never really left. The good thing though is that I don’t have to take Zofran any longer and more of the natural remedies work now. But how does this make me like Wendy?

Well— let me tell you, when you’re sick as a dog 24/7 your emotional well-being definitely takes a toll. It wasn’t long before I found myself flipping between sad, angry, and anxious at least twenty times a day. And then I’d feel guilty for feeling those negative emotions. I felt ungrateful for our little blessing and ungrateful for not being able to see the beauty in the whole process. Every now and then I’d look at Casey and part of me would feel so much love, but then (on some days) an even bigger part of me just wanted to punch him in the face (do you see the Wendy reference now—watch it here)— I literally felt angry and wishy washy all the time. I had no reason to feel that way toward Casey, of course, but I guess it’s easy to displace feelings of sadness and anger onto those we love most. I didn’t want to be touched or hugged, but I also wanted to be comforted and cared for. What the hell? How’s anyone around me supposed to know what to do with that?! Ha! Again, bless Casey’s heart. He never stopped trying. He’d bring me ice water and crackers in bed, soup in the evenings, rub my back incessantly when it was literally the ONLY thing that brought relief, take the boys out for adventures so I could lay down as long as I needed, and then hug me for as long as he could when eventually I’d let my anger pass into sadness and an overwhelming amount of tears would begin to fall! My skin broke out for the first time in years, my hair was stringy, I was constipated from all the prescriptions, and I felt sad. I didn’t get the glow other moms rave about, not even close. But you know what? It did get better. While the second trimester didn’t bring me much nausea relief, it did bring contentment, peace, settled hormones, less crying and much less anxiety. Oh, and my skin and hair got a bit better as well.

I wanted to share this because I feel sometimes, especially with social media, all we see are the highlights— the pregnancy glow through filters (both literally and metaphorically). But the reality is, pregnancy is hard. Your body is not your own. I’ve tried really hard to be honest and transparent with people when they ask me how I’ve been feeling. I’ve tried to give myself enough grace to say “it’s hard” or “I’m having a hard time” or even “I feel overwhelmed” without feeling guilty for my candor. I am (we are) absolutely grateful for our sweet little girl, and at the same time I have days where I’m completely overwhelmed by the enormity of this responsibility and by all the changes happening to my body. And you know what? That is absolutely okay!

So new momma’s out there, give yourself grace. I see you. I feel your struggle. It’s okay to feel happy and sad and overwhelmed and every emotion in between. Feeling (even the negative emotions) doesn’t make you broken, it makes you human. It’s in these times that we can learn even better how to apply God’s grace in our lives. Lean on Him and lean on your partner. Is it easy? Hell no. But it’s a lesson worth learning.

You got this momma, busted blood vessels and all!

(To read more about what worked/didn’t work for me in regards to typical pregnancy ailments, click here, I spill all my tips and tricks)