How's the Married Life?
Lately I’ve been inundated with “how’s it going” questions from almost everyone I see since Casey and I are now officially married. And while I so appreciate everyone’s interest and thoughtfulness in asking, I sometimes feel unsure how to respond. Do I give tell what they want to hear? The “it’s awesome, everything is wonderful, we’re so happy and don’t have a care in the world” speech or do I give them the real, unfiltered answer of “it’s amazing, we’re so happy, but it feels hard some days now that I’m back in the real world.” After a few awkward beats of silence, I usually decide to use the most upbeat response… because I AM happy. And it really is an amazing life! I don’t want to come off as ungrateful or any less blessed than I am and I don’t want to make others uncomfortable by my candidness. At the same time, I don’t want to pretend like Casey and I live this perfect fairytale life. Because we don’t, and no one else does either.
So, every now and then, I go for the unfiltered response. In doing so, I’ve had some really amazing friends support me in their responses and openly express having similar feelings after they first got married. It’s not easy to be vulnerable, but this kind of transparency allows for people to open up and connect with each other, making us better people in the long run. Every so often though, after expressing my honest response to “how’s the married life,” I get the “ha, welcome to parenthood” (paired with some pretty haughty body language) response thrown back at me instead. In these moments, I want to both cry and yell at them at the same time. What the heck? I just tried to open up and connect with you on a much more personal level vs. giving you the superficial response that we as a society are so used to (and much more comfortable with) expressing. And when this happens, here is what I’d really like to be able to say…
1. I signed up for this.
Yes, I knew two sweet boys were part of the package. Yes, I knew that I would not only become a wife but also a stepmom the day we said “I do.” This is exactly why I work hard each day at my job, come home, make dinner for my husband and bonus children, listen to their stories about school, friends, and movie quotes, play games, orchestrate bedtime routines, read stories, tuck them in, give kisses and hugs before falling asleep, listen to their worries, help work through their problems, and cheer them on for every milestone. I do this not because I’m trying to fit into this family, I do it because I AM a part of this family. I am both a wife and a parent. Bottom line. And most days, I think I do a pretty decent job at it.
2. I'm tired.
When people say “welcome to being a parent” I often feel as though everything I’m already doing is simply not enough. “You’re tired? Ha, welcome to being a parent.” “You’re sad? That’s too bad, welcome to being a parent.” “You need a break? Suck it up, welcome to being a parent.”(Okay, no one has said that last one yet—but it can certainly feel that way sometimes.) Leaving me feeling as though my feelings of “tiredness” are simply unjustified because every other mom in the world does it, does it well, and they’re not complaining. But you know what, these precious children weren’t born from me, and I didn’t get to establish a relationship and routine with my husband before having kids. I’m not biologically wired to feel a certain way toward them. Instead, I wake up every morning, and I choose to. Just like I chose to marry their dad knowing that this role would be handed to me right off the bat. And I’d make the same decision every day, because I love them. I’ll keep at our routines, and I’ll show up at school events and soccer games, and I’ll volunteer to be room moms and team moms, and as of recently, to be the coach of their team. I’m choosing every day to play an important role in their lives. And when I have my own kids, I’ll do just the same. I’m choosing to be a parent. And I’m perfectly capable of being one. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have moments where I feel mentally exhausted. I think it’s perfectly okay to be honest about feeling that way instead of putting up a facade-- it's much more exhausting pretending. But trust me, I’m not trying to throw a pity party here. I’m simply expressing my honest feelings and choosing to get the job done in spite of those feelings. It’s okay to feel a certain way about something, but at the end of the day it’s what you do with those feelings, such moving forward and continuing to do the right thing, that makes all the difference.
3. This is hard.
Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Doing both at the same time right off the bat? I’m not sure how I get through some days to be completely honest. But that’s not actually the worse part. The hardest part of my day is in the moments after putting the kids to bed. When I look at my wonderful husband and feel as though I have nothing of value left to give to him. I love that man so much that my heart may explode. But if I’m truly and transparently honest, there are some days where I wish I could just be a wife to him first and learn to parent with him later. He deserves so much more love than I’m able to give some days (and y’all, he doesn’t even complain, seriously).
4. It doesn't always feel like rainbows and butterflies.
When I think back to our early dating years I remember how much I longed to be with him and it’s such a bittersweet feeling. Mostly because the moments of feeling that way these days feel fleeting. On the weekends that we don’t have the boys I feel like we finally get into our own married routine… Where we can stay up late or go to bed early, pick up and go to the lake, or just walk around the neighborhood. Moments where every little event feels like a small adventure. Where I can actually give him my full attention and all my heart. But it's short lived and then it’s a parenting day, and I’m back to feeling pulled in multiple directions--hug more nag less, cook dinner do the laundry, smile often and keep up the conversation-- and by the time it’s just the two of us alone again, I feel like I need to replenish, depleted of all I have left to give.
5. I feel selfish.
Just like with my friends, I struggle to talk to him about it. Not because he won’t listen-- trust me, he wants to hear what I have to say-- but because I don’t want to hurt his heart with my words. I never want him to feel as though I don’t love or want this life. Or that he has to love his children less and me more. I don't want to sound and/or feel so selfish. So sometimes I don’t say anything at all. But that doesn’t do either of us any good, either. It’s easy to withdraw, but it’s not worthwhile. And when that happens the stress and anxiety build up and before I know it, I’m consumed by it. I'm learning to be more transparent before it gets too all-consuming.
6. I feel sad.
My dear sweet friend recently reached out to me to ask if everything was okay. At first, I told her “all is good” but I quickly realized the longer we talked that all was not in fact that good. I was actually holding a lot of sadness that I just hadn’t noticed until I looked inward. And you know what she told me? I can promise you is was not “welcome to parenthood.” Instead she said, “Friend those feelings are so understandable. I’m sure it’s exhausting. One without the other (in reference to marriage and parenting) is exhausting, but you have both.” Cue the tears. Thanks for really hearing me, my friend. But mostly, thank you for helping me know it’s okay for me to feel that way. She went on to remind me that it won’t always be this difficult and that there are many adjustments right now for all of us. She also referenced my own words from a previous post when I discussed enemies of the heart and grieving. She said “I think it is wise to name and grieve those losses, that things don’t look like what you thought, but trust me, others see it, I see it, the Lord sees it and it is beautiful. And things are hard because you are being so intentional about loving and doing things right with the boys and your marriage.” Yes ma'am, that's exactly what I needed to hear and be reminded of.
7. There is hope in learning to recognize and give grace.
My friends words helped me see hope and grace in my current season. I don’t want, nor need, to be coddled. But I do (just like anyone else) want to feel heard and understood. So now, when people ask me “how’s the married life” I feel much more confident in saying “It’s hard some days, but it’s beautiful, I love my husband, I love my kids, and I’ll choose them every day.” And in the meantime, I’ll give myself grace to grieve the losses I need to and the grace to know it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling.