Plume Date
As I mentioned before, last spring Casey & I took a Smart Stepfamily class through our church, Woodcrest. We focused on material from the book The Smart Stepfamily: 7 Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal. I'm so thankful we took this class, but to be completely transparent, it was not the class we intended to take. At the time Casey and I had recently begun the process of moving in together and were running into a few roadblocks that tend to happen when two people begin to share a living space. We saw our church was offering a variety of classes including "How We Love" as part of the Marriage Matters ministry. So after many conversations we decided this class would be important for us to take so that we both could better understand not only how we, as individuals love, but also how to better love and communicate with each eachother. It wasn't long though before we discovered that we were not placed in our intended class, but instead found ourselves on the roster for "Smart Stepfamilies." I'm not going to lie, at the time I was a bit disappointed as I really felt that we needed to get our own baggage in check before focusing on how to be better parents. It wasn't long though before this disappointment turned into quite a blessing. This class quickly proved to be invaluable in opening our eyes to what we could expect as we began blending our family. I'll tell you more about what we learned in this class... but that's for another post.
One particular concept I learned in this small group applies directly to the "why" behind the Plume date with my littlest bonus kiddo. The author said (on page 87 in fact), "...I suppose you can blame hope. We all hope for the best in life and assume that love will find a way. But hope must be tempered by reality-- otherwise, one can be blindsided by stepfamily realities." Y'all, it's easy to hope for one big happy family. And it's even easier to assume that it already exists when all most people see is our "highlight" reel on social media. But the fact is, it's messy and not always easy. Our own prejudices and upbringing, as well as our unrelenting hope, sometimes sets us up to have expectations that are left unmet. This can be especially hard for women in the "step mom" role. Mom's play an inttricate role in the lives of their children. They are the emotional caretakers, disciplinarians, authority, encouragers, and teachers... and so much more. For a stepmom though, children don't always want, or need, you to be that person for them. To a child, the stepmom is often an outsider. Sounds depressing doesn't it? Don't worry, there's hope, especially if a stepmom can learn flexibility and not force a mom-like role with her stepchildren. The book goes on to say that "stepmoms are women who do a lot of mothering, but frequently don't get to be the mom (pg. 62)." Never is this more true than when I think about my relationship with my youngest bonus kiddo. Again, it sounds sad, but don't worry. I believe the author used blunt truth to help give the expectations set by us stepmoms a little reality check. It also helps remind us that life as a stepmom is always evolving and just because it can be hard right now, doesn't mean it always will be. There IS hope. But its important to remember that it doesn't happen overnight, and it shouldn't.
In fact, the book introduces the concept of the "crockpot." Often families move in/get married and immediately attempt to blend everyone up into this happy little family. Reality reminds us though that life doesn't happen like a blender and blending is not the goal. Instead, step parenting requires a crockpot-style mindset. Think about it in terms of the slow cooker recipes you've made before... time and low heat always produce the best results. When applying this mentality to step parenting, I'm reminded that being patient with the integration process and not trying to force love, care, and togetherness will result in better relationships down the road. By the way, did you know that the average stepfamily takes 5-7 years to integrate? Yeah. Talk about slow cooking. But man is it necessary. As I mentioned above, it's especially important for me to take it slow with our youngest kiddo. I've found that while we get along great around each other and in our own house, I quickly become invisible anytime his biological mom is in the room. Emotionally, this can be trying at times. At the end of the day I'm glad he loves his mom and I'm glad they have a good relationship. But in all fairness, at times I do still feel a twinge of jealousy. It's in those moments that I try to remember the crockpot. While all the ingredients are mixed up in the pot together, not all of them cook at the same rate. Take the carrot for instance (in thinking about cooking a roast). Every now and then you get the one carrot that takes forever to soften up, but by the time you put it on your plate, it's pretty dang yummy. I think my littlest bonus kiddo is a bit like the carrot. He loves me in his own way, and he accepts me, but our relationship definitely will take a little longer to develop than it has with my oldest bonus child. Because of this, we take things very slow and create opportunities periodically for him to continue to get to know me better. Which brings us to our Plume date!
Have you heard of Plume? Y'all, this shop is the cutest ever, and there seriously is not a single thing I don't like there! Plume is locally owned by a very sweet woman named Kelly who opened Plume as a 40th birthday present to herself (love that)! The shop exudes hospitality from the moment you walk in the door, from the decor on the walls to her smiling face greeting customers by name. Plume also offers a variety of classes and workshops and recently hosted a Milk and Cupcakes event in their Gathering Room for kiddos under the age of 7! As soon as I saw it I thought of our sweet boy and texted Casey to see if he thought our 7 year old would like to go with me. I quickly received an enthusiastic "yes" back from him! So within minutes I followed the link and signed us up. I kept it a secret all week until the morning of the event. Yesterday morning, a little while after he woke up, Casey told him "Corey has a surprise for you today." The excitement and anticipation was written all over his face. As we drove to Plume he gave me all his best guesses as to what he thought we were doing, after which I began to second guess my choice! I mean, I know he loves cupcakes, but would they be enough for the little boy who was convinced I was taking him to skyzone? That's a high set bar right there.
As soon as we got there I told him exactly what we were going to do and to my delight he was even more excited than I thought he would be! We were happily greeted by Ms. Kelly as soon as we walked in the door and she gave us the low-down of where to go and what to expect. Within minutes we were seated around two local authors (Hope and Holly Ledgerwood) to hear their children's book, Hoop and Holler (currently available at Plume). Turns out, the book was about two little girls and their adventures growing up. Furthermore, the two little girls in the story were actual stories about the authors and the title of the book was their childhood nicknames. This quickly turned into conversations about nicknames and asking the kids in attendance what their nicknames were. Our sweet boy timidly raised his hand and waited to be called on. When the authors pointed to him he confidently said, "my nickname is Bug." Following the reading, everyone shared milk and cupcakes and then had their books signed by the authors. Our sweet Bug was so excited to see the book made out to him and addressed by his nickname! He even loved his cupcake so much he asked if we could bring one home for his brother. The whole way home he talked to me about how fun it was and how silly a 700lb pig would look (you'll have to read the book to understand that). When we arrived at home he beamed with pride as he told his dad all about our adventure and his new book. You better believe that he also chose that book to read before bedtime last night. He's already asked for the next book, too. It makes my heart feel pretty dang happy. I know that this doesn't mean we're BFF's, and it's likely that I'll still disappear into the background when his mom is around, but for that moment we bonded and moved one step closer to our future relationship. For that I'm blessed beyond ways that I can express. I'm thankful for these little moments and am learning to give myself grace for all the moments in between.
